


Bring Me the Dawn (Breakthrough)

by angstsochist



Category: Bleach
Genre: Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Laziness and Procrastination of Epic Proportions, M/M, Or Not (but only if you squint real hard), Or should I just tag that as Typical Shunsui, Sad Juushirou, Some angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-24
Updated: 2016-11-25
Packaged: 2018-09-01 19:25:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8635057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angstsochist/pseuds/angstsochist
Summary: The continuation of my previous installment, Stay Close, except that it takes place several months after that.This wasn’t fair, Shunsui thought. It wasn’t fair that no matter how much he stretched, he just couldn’t seem to reach his friend. What if the world he was in was burning? Shunsui wouldn’t stand for him getting reduced to ash right before his very eyes.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story has references to its previous installment, Stay Close, so for everything to make perfect sense I would highly suggest for everyone to read that one first.
> 
> Also, If anyone wants snippets from Jushiro’s thoughts at any specific scene in the story, just feel free to ask! Cuz I doubt I’ll be writing a companion piece from his POV. This also applies to Stay Close if anyone wants a peek at Shunsui’s mind. I realized that I don’t really want to do companion pieces as I’d rather prefer to do something totally new. And on a different note, just when I thought the TYBW arc was dead to me, I ended up vaaaaaguely referencing it anyway. *faints from banging head into a wall
> 
> Please Enjoy! (I certainty did while writing this.)

He could feel the thin sheen of sweat slowly coat the lines of his forehead, but he no longer cared enough to wipe them off.

Why was everything too bothersome? He bemoaned to himself, glaring at the withered petals that limply hung on its dreary stem. He was surrounded by the light of the green foliage around him, but all he could see was the heap of dead plants underneath them.

It had started out such a great day too. He had just set foot on the eight division grounds, steering into the direction of his office when he stopped, caught by sunshine of the clear fall weather, and that was when an idea struck him.

In an instant he was in the garden just at the back, where he found the hired gardener already well into his work. He approached the man, greeting him with his typical cheer, before he prompt told him he could have the day off.

He saw the old man skeptically glance between him and his esteemed flowers, but Shunsui assured the man that he would take care of them all for the rest of day, that he had done his research when it came to gardening, and just for an added level of certainty, Shunsui threw in his most winning smile.

Suffice to say, it had been the most awful idea ever. Here he was, toiling and sweating away in what had been the perfect weather but was now blazing. His pink kimono and captain’s haori had long been discarded away somewhere, and he had never been more thankful for his hat.

No, maybe this wasn’t the worst idea. Maybe what was more foolish was deciding to buy this entire garden for the eight division in the first place.

He sunk his hat into his entire face as he tipped his head backwards, until he heard the satisfying crunch of dry leaves underneath him. At this point, he didn’t even care if he was crushing some delicately burgeoning shrub. The dead completely outnumbered the living in this land and really, it was a hell of his own making.

It had been such a good idea at the time too! He thought it would make for a great alternative to paperwork. Nobody disturbed a man carefully shaping and molding the life around him. And he genuinely wanted to be able to breathe some beauty into his division. They were always so concerned with dealing with hollows and the more morbid aspects of life that he thought they all deserved to enjoy a more vibrant, colorful scenery.

This was no vibrant colorful scenery. The flowers of what were supposed to be peonies were now brown and wilted, like the charred remnants of his paperwork as soon as he crumpled them up and set them on fire.

In a sudden burst of energy, his back shot up, sending his hat flying to his feet.

This was still better than paperwork. In comparison, this only involved cutting up the stems of fallen peonies and spreading them around as mulch. It shouldn’t be too hard, he sliced up hollows for a living, and as a captain no less.

He was just about to pick up the garden scissors when he got a glimpse of the full expanse of the garden. It was more than twice the size of a single division barracks. He was supposed to cut and trim every inch of this place?

Heedlessly swiping away the scissors into the distant tangle of undergrowth, this time he crossed one leg over a knee as he lied back down on the ground with a mournful sigh.

Why was everything in the world so wrong? It wasn’t like the sky was tearing open but it was as if everything around him had become a shade duller. He joined both hands to the back of his head as a makeshift pillow, while he tried to pinpoint just when exactly things had started to lose their color.

And his mind inevitably drifted off to that time Jyuu took that unprecedented day off...

_He had been in the midst of taking his daily stroll through the Seireitei when he spotted a vaguely familiar face, running like a chicken with its head cut off. The boy was just a few steps past him when he had tripped, the papers streaming everywhere. Lucky for him, Shunsui was able to snag him by the neck of his uniform when he did._

_It wasn’t until he turned and politely thanked him that Shunsui recognized him from one of the pictures Jushiro had shown him two days ago. He was a new recruit from the thirteenth, and while Jushiro had always been enthusiastic about new bloods, they were always just a bit too excitable for Shunsui._

_Like this one, who was now breathing came in short, irregular gasps. Shunsui regarded with him a cool, friendly look as the boy hurriedly picked up the strewn paperwork. “Slow down, kid. Ukitake-taichou’s not gonna yell at you for being a little late.”_

_“Actually, Ukitake-taichou’s not in today, sir.” The boy rushed it out so fast, Shunsui almost didn’t catch it. “These are rushed orders for the eleventh division, erm, sir.” A trickle of sweat dropped from his brow and Shunsui wasn’t sure if it was from the exertion or the idea of having to face that way too rambunctious squad._

_“Wait, Jyuu never came in? But he was just fine a few days ago.”_

_“I, uhm, heard that he wasn’t feeling well, sir. And that it’s why he was unable to come in.” There was just that slightly audible crunch as the kid clenched the papers a little too tightly._

_Shunsui frowned. This was odd. Jushiro had been fine for weeks now and he couldn’t have missed any signs of an oncoming illness... did he? The moment they graduated the academy, he swore to himself that he would be more attentive of his friend, especially given how much of a workaholic Jyuu was. He was always looking out for that slight droop of Jushiro’s thin frame, or the smallest hitch in his breathing. He had been certain Jyuu was fine._

_But evidently he wasn’t as vigilant as he thought he was. Guess he would have to drop in for a visit to see how he was doing._

_He focused back on the now-trembling officer and took pity on the kid for delaying him any further. Just as he took a step forward, he briefly sized up the boy. “You should straighten up that back. And you’re gonna have to show some backbone if you don’t want to get eaten alive by the eleventh. Good luck!” And then he disappeared._

_Landing in front of Jushiro’s door, he took one steadying breath before sliding it open. Startled green eyes met his from across the room. “Shunsui?”_

_The moment the kid had mentioned that Jushiro never came in, his mind had conjured up several bad scenarios out of reflex. To see his friend sitting up on the bed without the flush of a fever, or the delirium that came with his medication, any form of shock that settled over him was drowned out by pure relief, and, as his brain finally took all of that information in, he was overtaken with a burst of pride._

_“I knew you would come to see things my way.” He wasn’t sure he could grin any wider than this._

_Jushiro’s questioning expression widened into abject horror. “It’s not-”_

_“What did I tell you? Every soul aches for sweet release. It’s a greater injustice not to indulge!”_

_“You did not just tell me that playing hookie is good for the soul.” Every part of Jushiro sagged with dismay. It was a look that Shunsui knew very well during their academy days, particularly whenever he managed to convince Jushiro to take part in his brilliant schemes. Honestly, there was no way he could adore this man any more than he did._

_He flopped down onto bed next to him and clasped him on the shoulder. “I have never been more proud to call you my friend.”_

_Jushiro threw him a glare that said the exact opposite. “I am not playing hookie.”_

_“Really?” With an ever present smirk, Shunsui clonked their foreheads together and amused himself with those comically wide green eyes. “Because you don’t seem to be running a fever. Or hopped up on medication. And you haven’t strangled me even though you look like you really want to, so those deep breaths must be working! Seriously, if there was one person who could get away with this, it would be you, Jyuu!”_

_Jushiro, obviously not appreciating Shunsui laughing right into his face, roughly shoved him off the bed._

_“Yare yare,” Shunsui said appeasingly, after he finally got his lip stop quivering. At some point, Jushiro had just groaned and bowed his head so low that his long white hair completely shielded his face. So with a gentle grip, he pulled his chin back to face him. “It’s nothing to be ashamed about. Nobody deserves a break more than you do. You’re almost always on sick leave, and you and I both know that’s just as gruelling as work.”_

_“Thanks, but coming from a man who thinks he’s entitled to as many voluntary day offs as he pleases, I don’t think it means much.” Jushiro’s smile was one-sided and rueful. But the moment it disappeared, it was as if all light had been drained from him. Only then did Shunsui finally notice the strain in his eyes._

_Shunsui followed up with a pout anyway. “You think so little of me.”_

_There was another flash of that same smile, but this time no words had followed. Shunsui wanted to further rouse the man, but something in the air around them had changed. It was a quietness associated not with peace, but with distant thoughts. Jushiro, with his back leaned against the wall and his eyes closed, looked weary and older all of a sudden._

_Had he been this tired when he had arrived? Shunsui tried to recall what he had seen earlier when he first came in, but everything was lost in the haze of emotions at seeing Jushiro up. It made him wonder just what Jushiro had been wrestling with before he interrupted with his presence._

_“Hey, do you want to go outside?” Fresh air was always good for everyone._

_“I don’t.”_

_And Shunsui promptly closed his mouth._

_Seeing Jushiro like this, it made him think back to the times he had been wandering aimlessly lost in his own head. Miles and miles of endless, desolate land and all he wanted was to run to where safety was, even if it was a long way back._

_Slowly, and trying not disturb him with his outstretched arm, he carefully guided Jushiro’s head to rest on his shoulder. But he scrunched his lips together in frustration when he realized that this might not be a comfortable position for Jushiro, given the closeness of their height. There was a fleeting thought that wished Jushiro was woman since they were always fractionally smaller than he was, but he quickly pushed it away and only pulled the man closer._

_He adjusted them so that Jushiro wasn’t too hunched over, and he ended up cradling Jushiro’s entire frame in his lap. In all that, the smaller man had never even made a peep. With Jushiro’s face now leaning sideways into his chest, he placed his chin atop his head and drifted off to nothing._

_+++_

_He opened his eyes to the sound of soft sobs. Feeling the tremor of the chest just right next to his tore at his heart. It ached to leap into that other cage._

_Shunsui never liked it whenever Jushiro cried, but it was more out of the panic it induced whenever he did. He couldn’t scramble for a lifeline, not when said lifeline was also the one drowning._

_But like any drowning person, Shunsui scrambled anyway._

_“Jushiro?” He prodded, bending his head at an unusual angle to face him. “Are you gonna be okay?”_

_Wiping his nose along with a few tears, Jushiro sniffled a “yes” before sliding off his lap. He moved back into his earlier spot, sitting with his back against the wall. With those same drawn and downcast eyes from earlier, he steadied himself with deep breaths. Though each breath only seemed to worsen his trembling._

_Not accepting this distance, Shunsui carried himself over to him. He straddled Jushiro’s legs and leaned a bit forward as he brought a hand to the other man's cheek. He traced the moisture on his skin along with the faint signs of a stubble and was rewarded with the slight dip of Jushiro’s cheek into his palm._

_Feeling a little braver, he slowly brought his lips forward until he touched those feather soft lips. When he felt them lightly brush back, Shunsui continued the gentle movement until it developed into this quiet and tender moment between them, with Shunsui’s hands petting his sides in smooth and easy strokes._

_Eventually, he dragged his hands upwards, where they drifted to the slight opening of Jushiro’s pale blue yukata. Just as he was about to slip them inside, however, Jushiro captured both hands into his and pulled them away from his chest. He turned away from the kiss, much to Shunsui’s dismay, and hid his face in the bundle of their clasped fingers._

_He was shaking his head softly in place of the no he should’ve spoken earlier._

_This wasn’t fair, Shunsui thought. It wasn’t fair that no matter how much he stretched, he just couldn’t seem to reach his friend. What if the world he was in was burning? Shunsui wouldn’t stand for his friend getting reduced to ash right before his very eyes._

_“”What do you need, Jyuu?” He whispered, if not a little desperately._

_Jushiro fixed him with once again tear-filled eyes and said, just as lowly, “Lie to me.”_

_Shunsui contemplated that statement, unsure what to make of it but soldiered on anyway. “What about?”_

_He didn’t like the hesitation that settled over those glassy features before Jushiro finally answered. “Tell me that there is a point to all of this, to all of the madness and chaos outside, and inside of ourselves.”_

_“The world is burning, isn’t it?” Shunsui suddenly spouted, every fiber and inch of his body as taut as the shamisen his zanpakutou plays._

_But somehow that small literary outburst brought a small twinkle of amusement to Jushiro’s eyes that he smiled. “Just beyond the confines of these walls actually.”_

_Shunsui carefully examined the image contained in those words._

_“Is everything gone?”_

_“Only the charred silhouette of the city, through the fire, remains.”_

_“Then indeed, all is lost.” Shunsui gave a small huff, smiling, and then with as much irony, hoping it was what Jushiro wanted, “It’s not like we ever deserved the peace we’ve worked so hard and fought for anyway.”_

_“Not when someone else is trying just as hard to undo every good we’ve ever done.” It was such a refreshing change to be frozen by those calculating, green irises that continued to goad him as if they were in battle._

_Shunsui couldn’t let these dark thoughts linger over Jushiro any further. It was something that would always hang over them, given the nature of their work, but it was always better to ignore them. If a battle was what Jushiro proposed, then as they say, all's fair in love and war._

_“Did you ever think that it would all still be fine, even if the world did just burn?”_

_Jushiro cocked his head to one side, “Oh?” It was the closest Shunsui would get to mentally pulling out the rug from under his feet._

_“That way it would be just you and me.”_

_Jushiro dubiously raised an eyebrow. “What happens when the fire swallows us both eventually?”_

_“We have time.”_

_“Do we?”_

_“Yup, we have all the time in the world.” Shunsui shrugged in his typical frivolous fashion and he only he grinned as Jushiro’s face became more lost to the conservation._

_“What would we do with it then?”_

_“I don’t know about you, but I would spent all of it getting lost in those beautiful, fathomless green eyes.”_

_“You are no longer serious about this, aren't you?” Jushiro’s expression dropped to being sullen once again._

_“I am! Don’t you know that inside there,” Shunsui gently cupped the sides of his face, “nothing burns? Only with the warmth of sunlight as it lays upon every strip of grass. It does not extinguish, but rather raises an entire forest. And in the deeper winding parts, through a road known only by a special few, lies a breathtaking spring meadow, full of flowers that bloom even in the harsh chill of winter.”_

_“Stop, stop.” Jushiro suddenly twisted away in contempt, the back of his head nearly bumping into the wall behind him. “You can stop now.”_

_“What did I do this time?” Shunsui wailed, slumping further into Jushiro’s legs._

_“You hate flowers,” The man before him scowled._

_Shunsui’s jaw hung open before he cried, “I do not hate flowers!”_

_Jushiro, his sweet, incredibly precious little Jyuu-chan, actually rolled his eyes at him. “I always catch you staring at every fully bloomed flower with this tiny flicker of disappointment in your eye. Even with the ones I point out that have a lovely color or fragrance. I don’t think you’ve ever been more condescending to an actual person.”_

_Shunsui tried to recall all those times to see if he had really been that obvious. “I don’t hate flowers. It’s just that I’m looking for a specific kind of flower.”_

_Jushiro’s stunning black eyebrows shot up in curiosity. “Oh? Do you know what they’re called?”_

_“Ha! If I did, I wouldn’t be looking for them.”_

_“Well, do you know where they’re commonly found? What time of the year they usually blooms? What color even?”_

_“No, no and I think they come in a whole assortment of colors.”_

_Jushiro just narrowed his eyes at him, like in their old academy days when he realized that Shunsui had just been copying his homework for the past semesters and didn’t actually know anything about the lesson._

_“Look, I only saw it once. And it was during the winter.”_

_“Aha! So it blooms in the winter... Wait, I don’t know any colorful set of flowers that bloom in the winter.”_

_“Neither do I. Anyway, there was this snowstorm that lasted for days so we were all just holed up in the manor. It was terrible, Jyuu. My brother had also been there for a visit and was being a complete nightmare, and I swear daylight could not come fast enough. So right at the crack of dawn, when I heard the storm finally let up, I snuck out.”_

_There was a soft snicker. “You didn’t slip and fall into anything, did you?”_

_“You know it was only that one time! Anyway, so I visited the outskirts of the mountain I’ve been exploring for some time now. It was a small, kind of desolate area where I saw an old remnant of a castle built a long time ago but eventually caved in on itself. And then I saw it! Sitting at the base of the crumbling stone foundation were these almost knee-length blossoms huddled together like a small family. They were covered in snow, from their petals to their leaves and roots but their red, yellow and blue along with the green stood out very brilliantly.”_

_“And you found them just after the snowstorm?”_

_“Yes! Exactly. Everything about the flower, from its delicate thin stalk to its fragile hold on its petals, should’ve been decimated by that storm. It was unbelievable. I really wish I could show them to you right now, but I was too afraid to shatter the beauty encased in such existence…” Shunsui smiled wistfully. “But nothing like life in unexpected places to make you feel hopeful in this messy, chaotic world.”_

_For a moment, they both just stared imploringly at each other, chasing the elusive meaning behind each word spoken all afternoon._

_“So you don’t like flowers.” Jushiro affirmed._

_“I just told you-” Shunsui shook his head and this time drew out each syllable of the next sentence. “I think they’re very beautiful, okay? But as they say, the best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched, they must be felt with the heart.”_

_“Mhmm...” Jushiro trailed off and left it at that as he pulled the blankets back and slipped himself under them. “I’m going to take a nap. You ought to head back to your division now.”_

_“Are you really? Because it look like you’re just going to… think some more. And I’m not leaving you to mope by yourself.” Shunsui examined those only half-opened eyes and was relieved to find them him looking considerably less vacant compared to earlier._

_Jushiro snuggled deeper into the blankets. “I’m not going to mope. I really am going to get some rest this time.”_

_“Well in that case, I would gladly join you on that one.”_

_“Oh for the love of all things holy, would you please get back to work now?” Shunsui had been in the middle of peeling back that blanket when a hand landed promptly on his face and carelessly shoved him towards the door. “I’m sure your lieutenant doesn’t appreciate my taking up your afternoon.”_

_As he sat up, he pouted at Jushiro’s stern countenance. “I can’t believe you’re actually kicking me out of bed!”_

_“Goodbye, Shunsui.”_

And after that, Jushiro had thrown the blanket over his head, and that had truly been the end of that.

Shunsui had heard that Jushiro returned to work only a couple of hours later, and those hours they both spent into work eventually rolled into days. He hadn’t dropped by since then, couldn’t shake the feeling that they were still standing miles away from each other. Even after replaying Jushiro’s words, he was still wondering where he got lost.

His fingers grasped a rotting leaf, but with most of its sides still soft to the touch. He turned towards it and found that it was only a dead peony, one of the many others scattered about as mulch. Shunsui dropped it back with a loud exhale.

He had read somewhere that peonies lasted all year round, even through the winter, and it was why he had chosen them for his garden. But apparently, they only became dormant throughout winter as his hired gardener later on explained. After months of thoroughly tending to them and hoping they would last, Shunsui couldn’t help but feel cheated by that.

There was a season for change with every kind of flower as with all living things, the gardener had said. And when Shunsui had asked him about the ones he had seen that winter, the old man's face pinched before suggesting that perhaps they were merely a fluke of nature. He had been greatly disappointed to hear that, but the man had simply pointed out that if all wonders could easily be recreated, then all the hope they aspired to bring would only cease to be.

So Shunsui kept the garden as it was, despite the gardener suggesting several winter blooming flowers. And he continued to hope that by winter, at least one would surface from its root and brace the winter storms.

Because for once, he wanted to see something that he handled remain standing, strong and beautiful, despite whatever the world threw its way. He watched on, helpless, as the life seeped away from the women he had been with every time he couldn’t say the words they craved. One after another, he watched them shatter and break on his impulse.

He’d been done with choosing to stay long after he had met this beautiful, smart and sexy woman. She had short-circuited his brain with her sensual beauty and charm. Waking up next to her had always felt like forever was right at his fingertips. But after what was an ordinary day, he could no longer take solace in her presence. Her playfulness began to dull with her anger, demands, and insecurities.

Something inside of him had come undone, he could tell but he just wasn’t sure what. The only feeling he was sure of was of hers, she was still fighting for them at each rise of the sun. And so he thought maybe it was just him, unable to endure the struggles that came with what he had started. So he fought to stay by her side.

But the love they had in the beginning slowly transformed into something he couldn’t name, worse than hate, and he found that he couldn’t carry it anymore. It had been an ordinary day too, when they had quietly decided to end things.

Breathing became easier after that, but only after seasons passed. After that, he always gave women the courtesy of letting them know whenever he wanted out. It was always messy, with most of them valiantly willing to wait. But Shunsui never let them try, knowing that it would only hurt them unimaginably worse later on.

Some days he cursed himself, after all what kind of heart doesn’t even think twice? But he always relented, because shouldn’t this kind of aftermath be expected? They did open themselves up to a power they knew could rip them apart and could only leave a wreckage in its wake.

Shunsui’s mind flashed to that image of a burning city Jushiro had conjured up and thought it was an apt representation. And then the realization hit like a punch in the gut and for that moment, he actually couldn’t breathe.

God, he had been so blind.

The day he had met Jushiro was the day he had vowed to himself that he would always come through for that man, because Jushiro had been always been so quick to do so for others. Shunsui knew that if nobody carefully watched him, he would burn out.

Ha! Instead, he soaked him in gasoline and viciously tore apart this beautiful, strong man, and he had chosen not see it all.

He had led himself to believe that he hadn’t started anything when he tearfully urged Jushiro to stay friends with him. But he still continued taking what wasn’t his to take, all the while unwilling to give Jushiro anything more than even a drop of rain.

And despite realizing all this, he still selfishly wanted everything to stay the way they were, with Jushiro just about ready to vanish into thin air. He may never get a decent night’s sleep ever again, but it was still easier than ending things.

But he also knew more than anything that Jushiro deserved the truth.

He watched the fading gleam of sunlight in the sky, basking in this daylight one last time, before he flashed stepped to the thirteenth.

He barged into Jushiro’s office, startling the man behind the desk into dropping his stamp. Jushiro peered at him questioningly and right when Shunsui expected to him ask why he was here, Jushiro, as always, surprised him.

“Why are you covered in dirt?”

“I was gardening.”

“But don’t you-”

“Hate flowers? Yeah, they’re not really much fun.” Shunsui tipped his hat forward, giving himself the time to ask the question he really should have formulated before coming here.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Maybe that wasn’t a fair question, because then again, Shunsui had been forcefully blinding himself to everything between them all this time. So he continued, this time looking him straight in the eye.

“You never say anything when it comes to us, to this.” He gestured to the space between them. “That day, after our first night together, you just accepted it. Even afterwards, after several more nights.”

Everything about Jushiro had dimmed in seriousness, before he disappeared and reappeared at the door.

“I didn’t want to hear what you had to say.” He murmured from behind Shunsui. “But if I must, then this is a conversation best had in private.”

Agreed. They vanished into Jushiro’s little house in the middle of the lake. To Shunsui, it was a true place of solace, and for a moment, he hesitated as they stepped across the bridge, if only to offer his condolence for the peace that was held by these waters.

“So what’s the plan, Jyuu?” He muttered darkly as soon as the door had slipped quietly shut. “Give in until when? Until you became numb from the pain?” He had meant well, he really did, but he couldn’t help the ice dripping from where his eyes bore into the man before him.

In complete contrast, Jushiro’s eyes sparked. “Don’t pretend to know anything about how I feel.”

“I’ve seen this a thousand times, with every relationship I’ve ever had.” In the swirling pit that was his emotions, it suddenly made him question why he even started something like this in the first place when he remembered that Jushiro had been to one to initiate everything. And he gladly stood by and let himself get carried away.

“This isn’t a relationship, Shunsui. This is what happens when you crawl away to hide from the truth you don’t want to face!”

Shunsui couldn’t believe what he was hearing and so he chuckled, laughter full of confrontation. “And what is that, Jushiro?”

His reaction must have gotten to Jushiro as the man gritted his teeth together before yelling out, “That maybe I am really what you want!”

The statement had shocked them both into silence. Jushiro sucked in a full breath as he sunk to the floor by the coffee table and hunched into himself.

“How could you possibly know that?” He hissed, turning away. How could Jushiro even stop to consider this after all the crap he had put him through?

“Didn’t you ever wonder if there was more to love than just constant heartbreak?” More than hearing the question, Shunsui felt him steering them away into safer waters. Huh, maybe Jushiro was just as bad as he was.

“Like having it dissolve into a loveless broken marriage?”

Jushiro sighed longingly. “You can’t hope to find life-changing love if you keep doubting its existence.”

“I already found it once.” He quickly dismissed, but decided that he was willing to try and find the words at least for this man.

“Look, Jushiro. I don’t want to blink one day and suddenly realize that you aren’t worth it. I don’t ever want to see the day where I’ll have come to love you even just a little less.”

“Why?” With gentle eyes, Jushiro prodded. “Some days, I find myself completely hating you.”

Shunsui found his entire throat closing up. No matter how soft-spoken it was said, he could never again unsee the damage he had done.

“You have broken my heart every single time I hear you’ve been sleeping with other people,” Jushiro hugged his knees closer to himself as Shunsui began to slide down the wall into the space next to him, feeling like he was going to topple over any minute now. “But it wasn’t so much the physical act as the fact you don’t see anything worth fighting for in us, when here I am, jumping into fire trying to save what’s left of us.”

“Why did you hold on to us all this time, Jushiro?” He had already asked this question to himself once upon a time.

“Because it’s hard to walk away from the one person that you think the world of and who thinks the same of you, the one person to whom you’ve poured out every part of yourself…” Hearing it was… strange, as was the smile on Jushiro’s face, and he wasn’t even finished.

“And the one person who’s made you happier than you ever thought you could be.”

Shunsui felt his heart leap, but it also ached. With her, he had always felt like he was still searching for something. But that didn’t make any sense, she had been as perfect as any person could have been.

“You’d really rather get torn in half than let go, wouldn’t you?”

“Falling in love is a dangerous game. I was prepared to get hurt right from the start.” Jushiro’s stare had finally returned to him, but they were clouded this time. “But if you really don’t want this, if all of what we are and can become is finished in your eyes, then I will let go.”

“I just wanted to be somebody who would always come through for you.” He thought about that woman again, and how he loved her. He did it with such a wild reckless abandon that he had mistaken for the time as passion but now he could see that it was just thoughtless.

He felt the brief scrape of fingertips on the bristles of his face before he was dragged into meeting Jushiro’s unbearably soft features.

“Nobody ever said that you didn’t.”

That had earned Jushiro a snort before Shunsui pulled his head away from those fingers. The air of silence that followed was one of quiet contemplation for the both of them, one that Jushiro promptly broke.

“I did say something to you about us, for the record.” Jushiro grinned at him, and Shunsui was suddenly able to match that gleam in his eye with that combative look he had seen the day Jushiro cried in his arms.

He openly sagged in defeat as he realized he had been bested when he had assumed it was at least a draw. “I thought you were talking about exterminating hollows.”

Jushiro chuckled. “Then perhaps poetry may not be your forte after all.”

“Perish the thought!” Shunsui responded indignantly before quietly adding, “you’re simply too hard to read sometimes.”

Jushiro paused, as if he had never heard anyone say that to him before. “But isn’t that why you’re here now?”

Shunsui couldn’t do anything about that but nod. “I’m here now.” And in searching for the real 'why' beneath those words, he found himself replaying the same things Jushiro had said on why he stayed.

But what struck him more from those words was the feeling of something shifting inside of him, like some part of him always did whenever he was Jushiro. The pain was pushed to the back as this warmth bubbled at pit of stomach. And he realized that even if everything was crumbling around them, he still felt safe with this man.

He viewed the man with pure fondness as he scooched closer to him. “Hey, so about that snowstorm flower.”

Jushiro furrowed his eyebrows the way he always did whenever Shunsui dropped a sudden topic change at him. He was just about to open his mouth to answer when Shunsui captured the most sweet-tasting lips he had ever tasted.

“I found it.” He had said as soon as he pulled away. Jushiro’s mouth almost gaped, but he treasured the seconds when he saw those green eyes fill with wonder. And then the man smiled, with an accompanying rush of air as laughter.

It suddenly occurred to him that maybe this collapse around them wasn't such a bad thing. He was about to move in to kiss him again when-

“Actually! About that…” Jushiro had twisted so fast it left Shunsui blinking to ensure that it had just happened. The man seemed to be rummaging around something by his bed.

Shunsui started as a large book landed on his lap.

“This is a book about winter blooming flowers. There are apparently thousands of them, some able to take more cold than others. But nonetheless, it has pictures so whatever you could have seen should be in there.”

Again, Shunsui blinked several times to see if this really happening before he glowered at Jushiro. He shoved the book away at once and went back to catching Jushiro’s lips in his but at Jushiro’s baffled expression, he briefly frowned. “I don’t like flowers, remember?”

He felt Jushiro’s mouth tremble before his. And those lips whispered, “Of course you don’t,” before it proceeded to kiss him back.

He relished every scrape of lip and tongue as he trapped Jushiro against the wall of his own home. The smaller man didn’t seem to mind anyway.

“I meant what I said, about the world burning.” It was hard to get a word in edgewise what with Jushiro’s enthusiastically probing tongue. At some point, he had to hold Jushiro’s shoulders against the wall before he could pull away, to which Jushiro had given him the most adorable pout.

“If the world was indeed burning, I would be oh so content to spend what little time we have left in the warmth and safety of these arms.” Shunsui seized the hands that had fallen limp to his side and carefully brought them to lips. He clutched them tighter as he leaned forward to peck another kiss on Jushiro’s lips.

“In these lips that drip of nothing but sweetness and love.” He chanted as he released one hand to settle over Jushiro’s beating chest. “In this heart that knows only to bleed for other people… But honestly?”

Shunsui couldn’t help but stare at Jushiro’s serene smile as he felt that expression mirror his soul. “I wouldn’t mind facing the wreckage that was the outside of that world. It may be in shambles, but we’ll find something salvageable.”

Jushiro’s mouth twitched. “And what if there isn’t anything left?”

“Then I stand by what I said. Maybe it wasn’t worth saving in the first place.” No, that wasn’t what he had exactly meant. He fiddled with the slippery words inside his brain.

“You once asked me, ‘what was point of it all?’ I think it’s believing that things could still change, that we could put out the fire and restore everything right from scratch.”

This time, Jushiro opened one eye. “Even if it will never be exactly the way it was?”

Shunsui was completely blown away by that one. He felt more than a little unsure of what to say next. Jushiro had a point. Some words couldn’t be taken back. Some actions leave a scar that linger for several lifetimes. And without the old blueprints, those buildings will never share the same shape and form they had.

But Jushiro just laughed at his mental struggle, the most carefree and out of place laugh he had heard considering they were practically referencing the apocalypse. “Things fall apart all the time, Shunsui. It doesn’t mean we don’t build them back up or fix them.”

He squeezed the hand still caught in Shunsui’s grip. “And who knows? Maybe they’ll endure the flames better this time.”

Shunsui was slowly shaking his head, a little overwhelmed but still grinning. “Only with you, Jushiro. Only is that possible with you.”

Maybe he had been tired of waiting, or maybe he was just as overcome as Shunsui was, but whatever it was, it had made Jushiro practically leap into his arms and they both nearly collapsed unto the poor, very small coffee table. Bless Shunsui’s stabilizing arm for saving them and it.

He moved his giggling companion over to the nearby bed before they could suffer any serious injuries, and Shunsui had decided at that very moment that he would always choose Jushiro, not the space next to him, but everything that made him who he was and that made Shunsui whole. He would hold on to this man until his dying breath, maybe even beyond, and he would never let him go.

Strangely enough, both forever and their possible expiration date felt so far away. But he supposed it didn’t matter, because right now they had a life to live together.


	2. Walk Away If You Can Love Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the lovely and amazing [Corinne_K](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Fei_M/pseuds/Corinne%20K) who asked for this snippet of Jushiro's thoughts as Shunsui fell asleep holding him.

_It had started as a small seed of doubt, but as its roots started to latch on to his heart, it became a moment of painful clarity. In this space between Shunsui’s arms, Jushiro couldn’t fathom how quickly his feelings had changed._

_He had been so sure that Shunsui would come around. He had even felt it just now, under the touch that held him close ran a deeper undercurrent of affection and devotion that made Jushiro feel secure that he had placed his heart in the right hands._

_But shouldn’t it have already happened? If Shunsui was always the first to take him into his arms at the faint sign of a hurt, shouldn’t he be aware of his feelings--of Jushiro’s and his own? And if Shunsui had always known about his feelings, then why was he toying with him like this? He couldn’t reconcile this persona of the man that he had always known to be so kind and humane. Just trying brought tears to his eyes._

_The truth loomed over him in a dizzying spell--nobody feels anything that they don’t want to feel. Shunsui didn’t want him, all this time he had just been deluding himself into thinking that he did, and all those years waiting were spent on something that wasn’t going to happen._

_He wasn’t sure what was harder to accept: this glaring truth or the fact that in this space where these arms once comforted him, he only felt beaten down and torn. His senses were dying, he thought, but isn’t that what happens when one places their hand unto a fire?_


End file.
